The Quote
“No one pretends to be an enemy; however, everyone pretends to be family or a friend.”
— Godwin Delali Adadzie
Context and Inspiration
This observation emerged from a pattern seen throughout human relationships and documented extensively in Scripture and literature: the reality that harmful people rarely announce their negative intentions. Instead, they approach as friends, allies, and supporters—using the language and symbols of loyalty to gain trust and access. This creates a challenging dynamic: if everyone who means us harm presents themselves as a friend, how do we discern who’s genuine? The quote isn’t an invitation to cynicism but rather a call to wisdom—recognizing that authentic friendship is rare and precious precisely because counterfeit friendship is common and convincing. Understanding this pattern helps us become both more discerning in relationships and more intentional about being genuine friends ourselves.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Human Nature
Let’s start with a hard truth: People rarely announce their negative intentions.
No One Wears an “Enemy” Badge
Think about it: Have you ever met someone who introduced themselves by saying, “Hi, I’m here to betray your trust, use you for my benefit, and disappear when you need me”?
Of course not. That would be counterproductive to their actual goals.
Instead, harmful people present themselves as:
- “Your friend who really cares about you”
- “Family” (even when they’re not blood relatives)
- “Someone you can trust completely”
- “Your biggest supporter”
- “The person who has your back”
They use the language and symbols of loyalty to gain access, trust, and influence. Then, when it serves them, they reveal their true nature—or simply disappear.
Why Pretending to Be a Friend Works
This deception is effective because:
1. We Want to Believe the Best About People
Especially as Christians, we’re taught to love others, give people the benefit of the doubt, and believe in redemption. These are good impulses, but they can make us vulnerable to manipulation.
2. Trust Opens Doors
Once someone is perceived as a friend or family, they gain access to resources, information, influence, and vulnerability that an acknowledged enemy would never receive.
3. The Mask Is Convincing
Skilled manipulators are excellent actors. They learn what you value, mirror it back to you, say what you want to hear, and perform the rituals of friendship convincingly enough to maintain the illusion.
4. We’re Biased Toward Our Own Perceptions
Once we’ve categorized someone as “friend,” we tend to explain away concerning behavior, give them unlimited chances, and resist evidence that contradicts our initial assessment.
Biblical Warnings About False Friends
Scripture repeatedly warns us about this exact pattern:
Proverbs 26:24-26
“Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts. Their malice may be concealed by deception, but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.”
Notice: enemies disguise themselves. They don’t announce themselves. They hide behind charming speech and false friendship.
Psalm 55:12-14
“If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.”
David’s deepest pain came not from an obvious enemy but from a close friend who betrayed him. This is the pattern: the wound is deeper when it comes from someone who pretended to be family.
Matthew 26:47-50 (Judas Betrays Jesus)
“While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: ‘The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.’ Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ and kissed him. Jesus replied, ‘Do what you came for, friend.'”
Judas didn’t betray Jesus with a slap or an insult. He betrayed Him with a kiss—the culturally recognized sign of affection and respect. Even in the act of betrayal, he maintained the pretense of friendship.
Proverbs 27:6
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
True friends sometimes hurt us by telling us hard truths we need to hear. False friends flatter us with pleasant lies. The enemy doesn’t criticize—he kisses. He affirms. He tells us what we want to hear while secretly undermining us.
2 Timothy 3:2-5
“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
Notice that last phrase: “having a form of godliness.” They look religious. They sound spiritual. They perform the external rituals. But it’s a mask.
Types of Pretend Friends
Not all false friends are the same. Here are common types:
1. The Transactional Friend
Characteristics:
- Present when they need something
- Absent when you need something
- Keeps mental scorecards of favors
- Relationships are purely utilitarian
Example: The person who reaches out when they need a job reference, want an introduction, or need help moving—but is conveniently busy when you need support.
Biblical Example: The friends of Job who comforted him with their presence initially, but when his suffering continued and he didn’t respond “correctly,” they accused him and abandoned him.
2. The Fair-Weather Friend
Characteristics:
- Celebrates your successes enthusiastically
- Disappears during your struggles
- Wants association with success but not solidarity in suffering
- Friendship is conditional on your status
Example: The friends who love being around you when your business is thriving but ghost you when you’re going through bankruptcy.
Biblical Example: Those who praised Jesus when He entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday but shouted “Crucify him!” by Friday.
3. The Jealous “Friend”
Characteristics:
- Subtly undermines your confidence
- Celebrates your failures (even while pretending sympathy)
- Competes rather than supports
- Feels threatened by your success
Example: The person who, when you share good news, immediately pivots to their own accomplishments or finds ways to diminish your achievement.
Biblical Example: Saul’s relationship with David—initially friendly, but Saul’s jealousy turned him into David’s pursuer while maintaining the pretense of being his king and father-in-law.
4. The Gossip Disguised as Confidant
Characteristics:
- Encourages you to share secrets
- Shares those secrets with others “in prayer request form”
- Gains social capital by being “in the know”
- Betrays confidences while maintaining plausible deniability
Example: The person who says “This stays between us” and then tells multiple people “in confidence.”
Biblical Example: Though not exactly a friend, this mirrors those who brought accusations against Jesus, twisting His words and using what He said against Him.
5. The Enabler
Characteristics:
- Supports you in destructive behaviors
- Tells you what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear
- Fears losing the relationship more than they love your wellbeing
- Confuses loyalty with complicity
Example: The friend who encourages your vices, justifies your sins, and never challenges you to grow.
Biblical Example: Aaron enabling the Israelites in creating the golden calf rather than standing firm in truth (Exodus 32).
How to Identify Authentic vs. Counterfeit Friendship
If everyone pretends to be a friend, how do you discern who’s genuine? Here are practical tests:
1. The Test of Time
Counterfeit friendship: Intense immediately, fades quickly
Authentic friendship: Develops gradually, deepens over years
Be wary of people who claim deep intimacy too quickly. Real friendship is built through shared experiences, tested trust, and time.
Proverbs 18:24: “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
2. The Test of Adversity
Counterfeit friendship: Present in prosperity, absent in difficulty
Authentic friendship: Present in both, especially in difficulty
You discover who your real friends are when you lose your job, face illness, go through divorce, or experience failure. True friends don’t abandon you when you’re not “useful” anymore.
Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”
3. The Test of Honesty
Counterfeit friendship: Only affirms, never challenges
Authentic friendship: Speaks truth even when it’s uncomfortable
A real friend will tell you when you’re wrong, when you’re being foolish, when you’re hurting yourself. They love you enough to risk your temporary displeasure for your long-term good.
Proverbs 27:6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
4. The Test of Reciprocity
Counterfeit friendship: One-directional benefit
Authentic friendship: Mutual giving and receiving
Real friendship involves both people investing, supporting, and being vulnerable. If it’s always you giving and them taking, or always you sharing and them deflecting, it’s not a real friendship.
5. The Test of Consistency
Counterfeit friendship: Says one thing, does another
Authentic friendship: Words match actions over time
Watch what people do, not just what they say. Do their actions align with their professed loyalty? Do they follow through on commitments? Are they trustworthy with small things?
James 2:15-16: “Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?”
6. The Test of Your Success
Counterfeit friendship: Threatened by your growth
Authentic friendship: Celebrates your advancement
Real friends rejoice when you succeed. They’re not competing with you; they’re cheering for you. If someone becomes distant, cold, or critical when good things happen to you, they were never truly your friend.
7. The Test of Confidentiality
Counterfeit friendship: Uses your secrets as social currency
Authentic friendship: Guards your vulnerabilities
What you share in confidence should stay in confidence. If you discover someone has shared what you told them privately, you’ve learned they can’t be trusted.
Proverbs 11:13: “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”
The Danger of Becoming Cynical
Now, here’s the important balance: This quote is not an invitation to cynicism or paranoia.
Yes, many people pretend to be friends when they’re not. But this doesn’t mean:
- Everyone is fake
- You should trust no one
- All friendships are transactional
- Vulnerability is foolish
The Christian Call: Wise as Serpents, Innocent as Doves
Jesus said: “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
This is the balance:
- Innocent as doves: Remain kind, loving, hopeful, and generous
- Wise as serpents: Discern character, test claims, and guard your trust
You can be both loving and discerning. You can be both kind and wise. You can believe the best about people while also paying attention to their patterns of behavior.
Guard Your Heart Without Closing It
Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Guarding your heart doesn’t mean building impenetrable walls. It means being selective about who gains deep access to your inner life. Not everyone deserves your full vulnerability. Trust should be earned gradually, not given freely to everyone who asks.
How to Respond to False Friends
When you discover someone has been pretending, how should you respond?
1. Grieve the Loss
It hurts to discover a friendship wasn’t what you thought. Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t minimize the pain or rush past it. Jesus wept over Jerusalem’s rejection (Luke 19:41). Grief is appropriate.
2. Forgive Without Necessarily Reconciling
Forgiveness is required; reconciliation is conditional. You must forgive the person (for your own spiritual health and obedience to Christ), but you’re not required to restore the relationship to what it was.
Forgiveness releases them from the debt. Boundaries protect you from future harm.
3. Learn the Lesson
What red flags did you miss? What patterns should you watch for in the future? What did this experience teach you about discernment?
Don’t waste the pain. Let it make you wiser.
4. Don’t Become What Hurt You
The worst outcome would be becoming bitter, cynical, and manipulative yourself. Don’t let the wound turn you into the person who wounded you.
Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
5. Invest More Deeply in True Friends
When you discover who your real friends are (through the tests mentioned earlier), invest more deeply in those relationships. True friendship is rare and precious.
Becoming a True Friend Yourself
Perhaps the most important question isn’t “Who’s faking friendship with me?” but “Am I being a true friend to others?”
Characteristics of Authentic Friendship
1. Consistency: You’re present in good times and bad
2. Honesty: You speak truth even when it’s uncomfortable
3. Loyalty: You defend them in their absence
4. Confidentiality: You guard what’s shared in trust
5. Selflessness: You give without keeping score
6. Celebration: You genuinely rejoice in their success
7. Commitment: You stick around when it’s inconvenient
John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
Jesus defines friendship not by what you get but by what you’re willing to give. Real friends sacrifice for each other.
The Ultimate Friend
There’s comfort in knowing that even when human friendships fail, we have a Friend who never pretends, never betrays, and never abandons:
Proverbs 18:24: “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Hebrews 13:5: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
John 15:15: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
Jesus is the friend who:
- Knows all your flaws and loves you anyway
- Laid down His life for you
- Intercedes for you constantly
- Never leaves or forsakes you
- Tells you the truth you need to hear
- Celebrates your growth
- Mourns your pain
- Walks with you through every season
When human friendships disappoint—and they will—this Friend remains faithful.
Conclusion: Wisdom in Relationships
“No one pretends to be an enemy; however, everyone pretends to be family or a friend.”
This isn’t pessimism; it’s realism. It’s wisdom born from observation and experience. It’s a call to discernment in relationships.
Not everyone who uses the language of friendship deserves your trust. Not everyone who claims to have your back will actually be there. Not everyone who calls you “friend” is genuinely committed to your wellbeing.
But this doesn’t mean you should close your heart. It means you should guard it wisely. Be generous with kindness. Be selective with trust. Let people earn deep access over time through consistent, faithful action.
And when you find true friends—the ones who stay when life gets hard, who tell you the truth even when it hurts, who celebrate your wins and mourn your losses, who love you not for what you can give them but for who you are—treasure those relationships. Invest in them. Be that kind of friend in return.
The rarity of authentic friendship makes it all the more precious. Don’t settle for pretenders. Don’t become one yourself.
And remember: you always have a Friend in Jesus who will never pretend, never betray, and never fail you.
Reflection Questions
- Have you experienced a relationship where someone pretended to be a friend but wasn’t? What did you learn from that experience?
- Looking at the “types of pretend friends,” do you recognize any patterns in your past or current relationships?
- How do you balance being loving and trusting with being wise and discerning?
- Are you being a true friend to the people in your life? Which characteristics of authentic friendship do you need to grow in?
- How does knowing Jesus as the ultimate faithful friend change how you approach human friendships?
Related Quotes
- “The truth is not everyone who smiles with you is with you and not everyone who frowns on you is against you.”
- “Truth is a bitter medicine. That’s why many can’t take it. Many are adapted to sweet things especially the sweet poison of lies and compromises.”
- “There are levels of ignorance… Be humble, and learn from those who truly know.”
Want to grow in discernment and wisdom? Explore my Catholic Apologetics Guide 101 or read more articles on relationships and spiritual growth.
